Category Archives: battle

Fighting the UK version of myself…

Since returning from travel, its like I’m a different person, all the changes I made to improve myself are slipping away again, I am regressing!

Whilst away travelling, I had no access to a TV, I had internet but only in specific areas and had interesting tasks so limited my time with them. When I did use the computer it was often for writing blogs, researching fitness techniques, networking or talking to loved ones.

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Upon my return I find myself getting sucked into the TV, not even watching anything specific. Watching my dad flick through channels, watching mindless programs of people falling over, or tacky sitcoms. I find myself sat on the internet, watching videos of cats, following menial conversations, trawling facebooks pages and posts and I even find myself taking time out to talk to people I’m not even bothered about being friends with, feeling like I must talk and be polite because they live near me…Um…why?

Why spend time having conversations you don’t want t have with people who don’t interest you, people with whom you have nothing in common? Why sit in front of the box watching people you don’t know live lives that aren’t real, why follow pointless ‘entertainment’ on facebook??
Is this our culture? Is this what it means to be British? Is this our go to response, particularly to winter? Too batten down the hatches and waste time until Summer once again arrives, and by Summer I mean those 2 weeks or so a year when its not rainy or cold.

Whilst away I managed to eat better, workout more often and with better progress, I learned more, I improved myself and now I feel it slipping away! This is not who I am, this is not who I am going to be!

I guess I figured I was deep enough into this new me to be able to keep it up but I was wrong, I am struggling but have ideas. I refuse to give in to monotonous old Kirst and this is how:

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Every time I turn on the computer, I endeavour to write a blog, this will often mean using my internet time more wisely to research a topic, it will mean engaging my brain every day!

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Each time a conversation starts, I will not reply on auto pilot…I will make the decision with regards to the person, are they someone I value, someone I can help, or someone with whom conversation is actually desirable? If not, I won’t engage, I refuse to bow down to social convention where we must reply just because its good manners, I realize this is probably a very British thing, being polite, well mannered and doing what is expected, well not any more.

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I am going to write goals in my daily journal, short and long-term and I am going to refer to them at the beginning of each day and ensure to plan my days with those goals in mind. These goals may be to do certain workouts, research workout, work or future options, to take time out to learn something new, practise my clubs, get creative, help my Dad with his renovating the games room or simply by taking out an hour to read, or meditate.

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Which brings me to my next point. I WILL meditate every day!! Whether its 5 minutes or 30 minutes, I will use my goal system to ensure to introduce workouts back into each day, starting with my morning Tibetan rights EVERY DAY. Making sure to do proper workouts, yoga and mobility. Within the month I aim to be back to practising Tibetan rights every morning and getting back onto my 4 day workout schedule, days 1 and 2 hard weight training, day 3 yoga and day 4 mobility, each one with a meditation session at the end.

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I will go back to making food plans, shop using lists from these plans and stick to them.  No more spontaneous eating as, when and what is there at the time.

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Lastly I will start making decisions again, it is time to stop wasting time wondering what my future will hold and start making that future happen. Every day I will do at least one thing towards that, whether its researching into jobs abroad, visas, and booking trips, or taking time out to stop and really thing through options and make decision and more importantly to stick to that decision. That’s not to say I can;t change my mind if circumstances change, we must be adaptable after all but it means no second guessing, I must trust myself. I am almost 30 and very capable of knowing what is right for me if I just stop faffing and trust in myself.

So there we have it, I will no doubt blog progress and developments as I go, if anyone has any ways they ensure not to let life pass by, or has the same issues, you are welcome to share, maybe we can help each other?

Its time to turn off the TV and turn on life!!

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Filed under 5 tibetan rights, battle, change, culture, development, life, Self discovery

Homeward bound, And I thought the leaving was the hard part….This is terrifying!

7 months ago I gave up my old life, I got rid of, gave away and left behind pretty much everything and everyone I’d ever known. I was setting out on a new path with the man I loved, we were going to have this big brilliant exciting future in the Philippines and then maybe travel and eventually come home successful, happy and ready for our happily ever after…

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I was scared but I was so excited, I felt like life was really turning around and we were finally getting to start our life together, after waiting for my fella who was in Afghan for 2 years to come home. Letting go was hard, I cried a lot, I wondered if I was making the right move and I thought I was doing the scariest thing I’d ever have to do…But I had my man and together we would make it work… I had made the right decision, we had made the right decision…First fail

Turns out we were wrong…oh so very wrong!

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Now, 7 months later, 4 of which were spent enduring life in an awful part of the Philippines, dealing with corruption, and disappointments business wise, having only each other pretty much for company, only each other to vent to and take it all out on, it was hot, we were teasy and it was difficult! There were no places of quiet, nowhere to go and find calm, nowhere to g and trek, explore we were trapped and it wasn’t fun!…Making a life and work fail

Following a trip away where we realise we are much happier away fro that place and did indeed have a relationship worth fighting for, we decided drastic action was needed. So I arranged to go to Australia and the fella was due to meet me there after his trip to India…

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yeh that didn’t work.
Time apart for him and his realizations in India made him decide to embark upon some journey of self discovery, minus the emotional baggage AKA me…so relationship fail (for now)

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I was devastated but we stayed talking and decided although were not together, there’s a good chance we could be again one day and, bear in mind I am simplifying things, I was able to accept this. I wont go into it but the guy does have things he needs to sort and in retrospect me being in his face wouldn’t help those issues…anyway so I set out to get a grip and do this travel thing everyone does.

Problem was, travel was something we’d planned together, everywhere I went I felt his missing presence as a physical thing, it felt like I was carrying around all this wistful sadness. I tried, I went through the motions, I made a few friends on my travels, I did 2 months in Australia and a month in Newzealand…I explored, I spent a lot of time and energies working on ‘me’…yet, I still don’t feel like I have managed to get a grip…I mean yesterday I cried as soon as I awoke, I barely sleep and I still feel like i’m not quite here, I have been here and there but a part of me has been elsewhere…I am clearly not getting a grip just yet..another fail

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So now it’s time to go home, I’m terrified. Going home means facing everything, out here I have been able to distance myself from reminders, from the things I’ve given up and lost, I have concentrated on being a new person, a better person but suddenly I feel like I haven’t changed at all. Being faced with the reality of life, my old life, people, places, the monotony of the life I left behind really makes me wonder, what did I do? Where did it all go wrong? I was so happy, so sure and so ready to make this wonderful step…How did it fall apart?

I thought leaving was the scary part, then I thought the separation was, then I thought the dealing with stuff out there by myself would be but it turns out the worst bit of it all is the returning home.

Don’t get me wrong I’m excited to see my loved ones and to spend time catching up with them but personally I feel like I’ll be facing each and every one of them embarrassed and slightly ashamed that not only could I not make it work, but that I was so smug before I left. So sure I had it all sorted.

Oh how the fates love to humble us!

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Filed under adventure, Australia, battle, change, discoveries, fails, failure, home, travel

Creativeness and Mental Illness…I wanted to talk about relief via art but found other connections….

So I wanted to write about my craving for creativity and how it has always helped me when I’m feeling negative, I started researching and ended up on a much more interesting route:

Creative people are statistically more inclined to have mood disorders and mental Illness.

So essentially, rather than creativeness being an amazing antidepressant and everyone should do it..its more the case that the very mental disorders we are fighting are a bi-product of our creative minds. The characteristics that give us the power to find relief via creating are the same characteristics which contribute to the negativity in the first place.

There is debate on whether these traits are nature or nurture and there is evidence to back up both.

Psychiatrist, Keri Szaboles working in Hungary made an interesting discovery, he gave 128 participants a creativity test followed by a blood test sand found that those demonstrating the greatest creativity carried a gene commonly associated with severe mental illness.

There have been studies In Sweden, directed by Simon Kyaga, where they have discovered that those in creative professions were more likely to have relatives with mental disorders and were statistically more inclined to suffer mental illness themselves, for instance it appeared that writers in particular were 121% more likely to suffer than those in other non creative fields, and 50% more likely to commit suicide.
Now that’s a staggering difference!

They also stated that some people inherit a form of the trait that fosters creativity without burden whereas others inherit an amped up version that stoked anxiety, depression and even hallucinations.

There has been discussion as to whether this is from physical or psychological influence. For instance is it the physical DNA or just the fact that families experiencing mental illness are less stable, therefore creating a less stable environment which therefore nurtures certain characteristics encouraging mental illness, Or certainly worsening it.

But this is beside the point, my interest here is to discover the actual link between creativity and depression. What are those characteristics which contribute to both?

Its suggested that creatives experiencing mood disorders and mental illness take in more information and are less able to ignore extraneous details, their brain does not allow them to filter.

American psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman stated: “It seems that the key to creative cognition is opening up the flood gates and letting in as much information as possible,” he writes. “Because you never know: sometimes the most bizarre associations can turn into the most productively creative ideas.”

So basically our inability to shut out certain information and feeling can mean that we are overcome with emotion, which can be both incredibly tormenting for the brain, yet that same information and feeling can be what stokes up to create, with so much going on inside is it any wonder we have to release it, let it out and share it in such, often spectacular ways?

Painter of ‘the scream;’,Edvard Munch suffered fro anxiety which he poured out through his work, he write about this particular piece “The sun began to set – suddenly the sky turned blood red,” he wrote. “I stood there trembling with anxiety – and I sensed an endless scream passing through nature.”

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If you look into the personal life of all the old creatives you will almost certainly discover similar issues and right up to modern day, take Robin Williams for example…everywhere we look to be inspired, the people who produce the most incredible ‘art’ in whatever form are those who suffer the most.

So I am here to be thankful for my dark times, for without them I wouldn’t be who I am today, I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog, I wouldn’t have a multitude of skills and abilities, of which I am proud. I have produced artwork in many forms and its greatly appreciated by those to whom I give it to, and those who see my work, or indeed read my work often feel the need to let me know how it has affected them(generally on fb, not like they have to because were face to face). Its pleasing to know I can inspire some thought or feeling in others and therefore I am grateful I am made this way.

In fact if it weren’t for this side of my personality I probably wouldn’t be a fitness instructor either, after all teaching in front of a class of people, using your vibrancy, your excessive energies to inspire, motivate and encourage them to put in their best…is this not performance and is performance not a form of art.

I would be a completely different person living a completely different life! Its quite humbling to look at it this way, all this moaning about feeling down, and poor old Kirst, when all along its what’s forced me into some of my most proud accomplishments.

That all being said, I must say I am not belittling the depression and disorders some people feel, for me its just an occasional thing, nothing severe or lasting so I have the right balance, I get enough darkness to inspire me but not so much to really bring me down. I am one of the lucky ones and I send much love and support to those with more severe forms of mental illness.

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Filed under art, artists, arts, battle, creativity, darkness, depression, disorders, mental illness

Defeating the dark times

Almost all of us will, at some point in our lives, experience depression. The darkness within, the uncompromising bleakness and often unexplainable feelings of failure, hopelessness and emptiness. But how many of us admit it? How often do we bottle it all up, mentally reprimanding ourselves for being stupid, telling ourselves were being ungrateful, ridiculous, weak, self pitying..?? The list goes on.

A list of self abusive words, taunts. A list of negatives which will only enforce the darkness and give the depressive part of our psyche even more to focus on and hold on to, giving it a firmer hold on our overall well-being.

Its ironic the wording we use to try to snap out of it are often the very words forcing us deeper in and why? If a friend was feeling depressed, would you use those words of advice to them?? The answer is no, because quite frankly, they are wrong! We are not weak for feeling, we are not ungrateful or self pitying for occasionally getting snowed under by life’s less savoury moments!

As long as we are trying, a long as we are fighting the internal battle we are not weak, we are strong! We are fighting day after day for something most people take for granted, going about our days when even the smallest task can feel like a struggle, every encounter with others feels like a trial, pretending everything is fine whilst secretly feeling so envious of their apparent ease at happiness. If only we opened up and talked…really talked!

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Most of us have had or regularly have depressive episodes, if we talked to each other more not only would it help to know you are not alone, often the most surprising people will admit to feeling the same, but also just letting it out, hearing it all said out-loud and discussed as a real problem as opposed to just going round and round the same stale old thoughts in your head, trying to convince yourself your not feeling it, can really help give you some perspective.

Of course there are also other things we can do to help ourselves. Personally I have a list of things which help. Some are instantaneous little pick me ups like singing as loud as you can in the shower, surrounding yourself with your happiest, silliest friends and just allowing yourself to forget and laugh, putting on your favourite comedy series or film. I swear The Big Bang Theory, Cougar Town, Mike and Molly and celebrity juice are sanity savers for me!

There are also more longer term activities we can partake in to improve mental well-being. Exercise for starters. Whether its a full on workout or just some yoga or a walk, the benefits are enormous. Not only does this increase happy hormones in the body, but it tires us out leaving less energy for agitation and aggression. We will often sleep better as mind and body are feeling satiated. Of course a good diet is also key here, junk food actually contributes to the release of hormones which will counterbalance the positives brought on by exercise and makes us feel lethargic and bloated.

Another beneficial habit is meditation, learning to let go and just be at one with yourself. Learning to relax and allow the universe to just be, accepting you are a part of a great vastness and allowing yourself to be lost in this. Getting a break from the mental chatter for a while and again aiding in sleeping.

Reading a good book is often beneficial. I find a good book helps put my life into perspective for a variety of reasons, depending on the book your reading. For instance reading a horror will not only distract you by taking you to a whole new place and adventure but also make you feel it could be worse…You are not in fact being stalked by the rabid dog Cujo or being chased by some sort of fog or mist which is turning people into zombies. Reading chick flicks can also be helpful as they are often emotional but your heroines always find happiness in the end, the autobiographies are great for really showing you how everyone suffers, again your not alone.
Then there are the little things, things unique to you which bring hope in your downtimes, light in the darkness and a smile to the saddest days. For me these are things like, tarot cards, getting creative making something, whether cakes, woodwork, paintings…anything, keeping a journal making sure to note good and bad feelings as well as things your grateful for, things you wish for in the future and short term goals which will help gain those wishes.

Lastly, charity. OK so I don’t mean you have to go to a third world country and build a well for thirsty children (although if that floats your boat…why not!), what I mean is doing something for someone else. Being responsible for someone else’s smile is incredible rewarding and not only that but if you believe in karma… This could be something simple like calling or writing to your Mum, Aunt, Grandma, someone who you know will be thrilled just to hear from you, your words brighten their day. You may want to bake or make something for someone, offer to babysit to give someone a break, picking up some of the extra workload from a stressed colleague or even just smiling at strangers in the street.
So to sum it all up… You are not alone, this isn’t a solo fight. Your friends and family are there to help as long as you are helping yourself and giving back as well as receiving! Keep your chin up and one day you will look back on this battle and realize you won, and you can win again if and when that dark old enemy shows its ugly face again.

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Filed under battle, darkness, depressed, depression, fighting, fitness, health, mental health

Globe trotting and Fitness, working hand in hand!

So there are a million excuses for not working out. I’m sure many of us have used a great proportion of them in our lives and will use a lot more before were done but travelling need not be one of them.
When your on holiday its different, for me a holiday is a break from the monotony of your every day life, and although I will try to be active and eat relatively well half the time, I am not going to punish myself for not doing intensive workouts and eating badly the other half.

The problem with the holiday excuse is where does it stop? How many times have you heard ‘I’m getting into the holiday mode’ or ‘I’m still on another time zone inside’? Well these are, realistically, infeasible excuses. The holiday reasoning should be on the holiday, not around, in preparation for or whilst thinking/booking the holiday…Yes I have heard this one!
But what about duration of your ‘holiday’, at what point does holiday become trip, and how long does it have to be before you really should start working out?

Well, I have been travelling for several months now and I tell you, the sooner you start incorporating fitness into your ‘trip’ the easier it will be. Now when I say trip I mean anything longer than, well for me, a week. Some people may say 2 weeks BUT it certainly shouldn’t be longer than 2 weeks, unless your resting from injury of course, because 2 weeks is all it takes for atrophy AKA muscle wastage! 2 weeks is all it takes to start loosing all the good work you put in up until now.

There are a number of excuses you can use for not working out whilst travelling. The main one pointing out its a once in a lifetime trip, I don’t want to waste it working out, I can catch it up. OK, but what about all the muscle wastage? If you don’t keep something up, all the time you put in already was a waste, all the hard, sweaty, painful work! And what about the lovely holiday snaps, by the end of the trip do you really want to remember looking like a beached whale? Well OK maybe that’s excessive but you all know what I mean and what about the general well-being you get from looking after yourself, this will be incredibly beneficial for working out! Be on top form!

The next excuse is lack of time and equipment. Well this really is no excuse at all and can actually be beneficial. So the issues with time, never knowing when you will get a spare hour or how much time you will have…Well I have several ways to tackle this Firstly every morning as soon as I wake up I jump out of bed and do 10 minutes of something, usually the 5 Tibetan Rights, or a few rounds of Surya Namaskar (clips in previous posts), that way I know I have done something even if unforeseen forces mean I cant get a proper workout done later. Secondly, you learn to grab the moments whilst you can. You learn to plan ahead when you have time and have workout plans ready BUT also to be adaptable. Maybe you can’t grab the full hour so you learn to make it short and hardcore. The point is to grab the opportunity as soon as it arises and this is a great habit to get into. No putting it off until later, you are always ready to jump into your workout, no slacking, no excuses and this is a great skill to bring home and put into practise.

With regards to equipment, again adaptability is key! There are ALWAYS equipments you can use to workout, whether your doing strength, endurance, or growth! Its just a case of being smart, thinking outside the box, keeping your eyes open for items of use and not being afraid to give it a go.
Grab that big log and hug it for some goblet squats, use those metal poles or tree trunks for overhead presses or curls or dead lifts. Rocks make great weights and stuffing a rucksack with them is a great way to add weight for squats, lunges and walking! Use tables, chairs, any ledges you can use to elevate yourself to add extra work to bodyweight moves making them more hard work and pushing you into the growth category! Find a door frame or overhead bar somewhere you can pull up from, steps you can run up and down or use to do a step aerobics style workout. Find your nearest, steepest hill and work those legs, walk run, lunge, jump, skip, squat jump or crawl up it! And down again, coming down will use a different set of muscles! Throw yourself into any physical activity you are given! I have made use of wheelbarrowing dirt, shovelling sand, lifting and stacking big logs as well as smashing in fence posts and even helping demolish a wall! Whatever you get the chance to do, give it some welly and get the most out of it!

Saying all this, there are a few necessities I bring with me. Firstly a yoga mat, for obvious reasons. Its hard to yoga on a hard floor or to do a press-up with grit digging into your hands. Secondly a bring wrist bands. For me yoga is an important part of my workouts and when your somewhere hot, maybe there’s no air con or maybe your outside somewhere, sweat can literally ruin your grip, there’s nothing worse than slipping around trying to do a static pose. Thirdly I bring a stretchy band. This is not essential but its small, easily transportable and great for numerous moves, and for a full body workout or as part of a workout with other items. Lastly I always bring my weight lifting gloves. Brilliant for weights and also for all those unsavoury items you may be picking up to workout, saves your hands from splinters, cuts, and helps with grip.
I will also touch on diet. Now I know its the hardest part of keeping fit and especially when travelling so there, I just try to do I my best. I say to myself, as long as I have my 8 fruit and veg, my 100g of protein(weight gain), ensure I get good fats every day, keep my carb portions small and wholegrain where I can, try to limit junk foods to one small treat a day OR a full cheat day, then I am happy. Its not perfect. Obviously I am more strict at home but travelling makes it almost impossible, especially as I am travelling using helpx, meaning I am fed for my work. I don’t get to be picky and choose my meals, I use a few supplements and buy extra fruit, nuts and protein shakes to ensure I am getting the best foods I can whilst I’m here. This can also be beneficial though, this lack of control and being in someone else’s house means I can’ simple go get a biscuit or midnight snack…this is not my house, not my food so in a way it is helping me control my cravings!

Now it may seem hard to do all this but it really isn’t. Use it as a positive, use it as a goal, some thing to accomplish and just think, all the changes, the variations and the fact you have crated workouts yourself mean its never going to be boring, workouts will rarely be the same and they will be exciting, trying out new ideas you have come up with, it will be an adventure in itself! There are also numberous apps and online programs to help if your stuck for inspiration!

The skills you learn from workout out whilst travelling, the adaptability, the motivation to get it done when the opportunity arises, the readiness, the research you will do, and the way you learn to keep a workout interesting, using your initiative means you need never be stuck in a boring fitness regime again! Use this experience to keep it exciting even back home. Keep researching, keep trying new things, new places, keep pushing yourself, creatively, mentally, and physically!

So you see, travelling really needn’t be a hindrance to your fitness lifestyle, It could in fact be the boost you need too shake it up, see it in another light and find new ways which excite and motivate you! Share your experiences, help others from your experience and get satisfaction knowing not only have you helped yourself but improved your karma by helping others as well!
Everything positive I find, I share and its really gratifying and good for the soul, even if just one other person benefits from your experience!

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Filed under battle, body, change, fitness, food, health, holiday, motivation, workouts

Lose everything…Find yourself!

Finding yourself…I process often starting with the losing of everything else.

Ever tried to make some journey of self discovery whilst your content in your home surrounded by good people with a good job, money in the bank?? No??? Well me neither.
I’m not even sure its possible, after all why would you even consider your not just a perfect reflection of your perfect little life?

I’m sure some people are content, settle, find enough things to keep them oblivious to the other versions of themselves, the strengths and character traits left undiscovered, but I am not one of them.

There have been several times in my life when things have just seemingly fallen apart, I hopped on a downwards spiral and in retrospect, it needn’t have happened. None of these times were out of my control…I subconsciously made decisions leading to these tough times, why??

Well I am currently working through one such time and it has just hit me. I am not a settler. I enjoy being happy, I am optimistic, I appreciate what I have when I have something good but I am also a dreamer…I want life, and lots of it. I want to experience and to feel and to grow as much as possible and that’s just not possible when your content!

Don’t get me wrong I don’t sabotage perfectly good aspects of my life, only the dead weight aspects, the jobs I don’t like anyway but they provide SECURITY, the relationships in which I don’t prosper but they provide COMPANIONSHIP, the materialistic gains I convince myself i need to provide COMFORT and ACCOMPLISHMENT..These things are difficult to let go of, they are programmed into us as ants and needs from a very young age and we fight to hold on to them…

But…

if you manage to let go, if you manage to free yourself from these preconditioned wants and needs you may well find yourself on a journey of self discovery, a journey bestowing much more than security, but freedom and strength,
More than companionship but the confidence to be alone in your own skin, and also the experience of and power to converse with, connect with and essentially bond with a multitude of people, to really know them, to open yourself up and find people with whom you bond on a deep and meaningful level.
More than Comfort, but growth and expansion of you, mentally, physically and emotionally
and lastly more than accomplishment, you aquire, memories, experiences, new skills and a new mindset which creates more dreams, a brighter future and the knowledge that anything is possible, you have done this, you have come this far, nothing is out of reach…

Of course you just have to give up almost everything you hold dear, make that leap of faith and go for it. Fortunately for me, my subconscious ensures I do this, I only have to make the journey, not the decision to do so. But for many they are more inclined to listen to reason, stick to what is ‘right’ and ‘safe’ and so miss out on opportunities which really are what life is all about.

I’m not saying everyone should give up thee things they love and run away to the other side of the world like I have, but maybe take some time to consider, really listen to that inner voice, open yourself up and feel, are you truly happy with the person you have become, do you have the potential to be more, do you feel life is passing you by? If this is you, then I am writing this for you.

This is scary, you will cry ALOT you will doubt yourself, you will doubt everything you once believed in, there will be hard days and there will be good days but its worth it because this is life, and this is what will make us the most interesting people in the OAP home! 😉

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Filed under adventure, Australia, battle, change, discoveries, holiday, life, lucky, moments, new, Self discovery

Everyone needs a holiday, if only to get a little perspective on this thing we call life!

OK so my last post was quite some time ago, as you will see, my dears, I have been stuck I this crazy train of a life for a while and have been unable to gather thoughts of any sense.  I have been but a shadow of my self and am only now getting down to deciding who that shadow is again!
So August was my last entry, I was attempting to ‘win’ at this Philippine life, keep my head above water and, well, I lost!

After months, there was still no working visa, and no work even if it were to finally appear, The humidity and heat were making my boyfriend and I agitated, annoyed (ad annoying) and money issues were stressing the situation further, you can imagine we, naturally started adding relationship issues to the negativity that was our life!
We hadn’t managed to find places to go for peace, fun, interest…nothing! We were stuck, just the two of us and this big negative wedge!

In September we had a holiday to Vegas and upon leaving the Philippines, the feeling of a weight being lifted was immense! I immediately felt lighter, happier, and more like myself. As did the fella seemingly. We enjoyed our time and the whole thing really brought home how we can’t continue in this ‘life’ we had made. We agreed it was time to move on, brilliant!

That being said, we had slightly different paths, he wanted specific plans, I couldn’t afford, I wanted to go via the helpx route and we compromised, decided we were worth a shot at being together away from this place that had become a nightmare.

So I came to Australia, he to India and he was due to meet me here…Although time apart also gave us perspective on us. Although we care and had happy times ad could(and I believe will again one day) have more, we both needed to do some soul searching.
Sort out these issues we developed I ourselves but also with each other, we had bred the negativity so long the resentment and difficulties were too hard to ignore.

So sadly we have reduced our relationship. There is no label now but being free of that is good. This time should bring us back to being good people, versions of ourselves we like and are happy to be whilst getting to know each other again…new and improved versions and the who knows….

Maybe we will have experiences which will give us distance ad perspective enough to remember why we fell for each other and push us back together, I’d like to think so but, who knows, until we get that perspective from where we are now….
For now there has been a lot of change and revelations and just getting to grips with those is enough to be getting on with.

Time for some self discovery, I am after all doing this amazing thing called travel and doing it alone is both terrifying and exciting. One thing I know for sure is that I shall never be the same woman again!

So take that holiday, get that trip away booked, and take a moment to assess your life! Its so easy to get bogged down and trapped but you will ever be able to be truly happy unless you have been able to get a clear view….a bit of perspective and decide if your really living the life you want to.   Don’t live in the shadows, be sure to have life in your years, colour in your dreams and character to your person!

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Filed under adventure, Australia, battle, change, discoveries, holiday, life, moments, philippines, relationship, Self discovery, Uncategorized, wonderings

My epiphany…Linking Deet to my allergic reaction!

Finally I think I have discovered my issue. You may remember my recent blog about my allergy seemingly to the Philippines. Well after a bout of steroids which were fantastic for my skin, although bad for my moods, (man was I an aggressive cow for the week?? I’ve never wanted to actually stab my fella before, poor guy only moved a fan I wasn’t using, etc… Ha ha) I felt great, BUT I stopped taking them and the rash returned.
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Granted my face, so far, had been left out of it, which is nice, but my extremities are covered in a lovely red, itchy blotchy number and boy is it angry! I’ve sat about all day thinking what it could be:

If it were washing powder it would be my tummy and areas my clothes touch plus its the same powder I’ve used since childhood

If it were food, my face should be bad again or at least my tummy, I have IBS and usually it will flare up if I eat something I shouldn’t but no..in fact I’ve been nicely regular these last few weeks, I feel quite healthy in that dept

If it were heat rash, surely it would be relieved a little when I am in a cold shower and worsened in the sun but nope

Then it struck me..the only thing I put on my arms and legs, it was literally sitting on the table staring at me the whole time…DEET! I’ve been using it quite excessively for weeks due to the fact I am very tasty and insects LOVE to eat me. I dare say I’ve been accumulating large amounts of it in my system and I have been using the max strength version too!

Oh how silly I feel, going through all this!

Still I shall dispose of the deet and probably need more steroids to clear the rash..as I said its literally back with vengence (probably due to the massive amounts of deet used over the last 2 days whilst I was out in the wilderness) but where do I go from there?

Malaria and Dengue Fever are very real risks out here and with deet out of the equation what can I do? Are there alternative repellents available here that work just as well? Does anybody know of any?

I don’t fancy choosing between a parasitic disease or having to literally scratch the skin off my body!

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Filed under adventure, allergic, allergy, battle, culture, discoveries, health, health and safety, insects, life, mosquito, steroids

Kirst Vs Mosquito’s….Part one!

Mosquitos….Those sly little buggers just LOVE a taste of Kirst, always have, ever since i was small ive been feasted upon and aggrivated…I’d say outright singled out and bullied!

They forced me into outright war ove the last 9 weeks of living out in the Philippines, there have been many battles won and lost by both sides but STILL overall those little assbags are winning!

This is our battle so far:  MosquitosBloodEditThumb2

Them: Lets wait by her door and feast!

Me:  I shall repellant up very time i go out…

Them: OK, were going to have to venture in, its time to invade

Me: Here is the intense incense repellant…get out!

Them:  Fight it guys lets get through this and get her

Me: Fine, Things just got personal… here is the electric fly swatter…fry, FRYYYYYY!

Them: OK guys lets regroup and start some basic avoidance maneuvers, we’ll still get her, dont give up the sweet sweet Kirst nectar!

Me:  Fine i shall wear repellant all day and night, i will stink to high heaven!

Them: You forgot the soles of your feet

SOLES OF MY FEET GODDAMN!

I need to rethink this…Im losing the battle!  I even woke up both myself and my boyfriend the other night vigorously scrathing my ankle against him in my sleep, like literally just reached it over and started to rub it againt him…hard!  poor thing had no idea what was going on, neither did I to be honest!   It was quite confusing!

Anyone know any goood repellant/bite treatments I’d love to hear from you…help me…Help me win my war!

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Filed under adventure, battle, funny, health, injury, insects, life, mosquito, philippines, war