Category Archives: home

Being home between adventures

So after being to absolutely terrified of coming home, I got off the plane and into my friends car, I watched the countryside stream past the windows, the rolling hills, the cottages and red brick houses, I felt the fresh coldness of the British winter and I felt peace.

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I have spent the last few days taking it all in, I have watched the familiar scenery roll by, felt the biting, cool breeze and the slippery underfoot ice, I’ve listened to some of the well known UK accents and consumed some local food and teas, I have smelled the freshness of the Cornish sea breeze and I have felt relief and relaxed as I adjusted my body clock and am connecting once again with friends and family.

The thing is, now I have taken it all in, it feels like I never even left. It seems as if the last 7 months were just a dream and I never even left this life. Its quite disconcerting and has me getting wanderlust already. Today was my first day back at work, and I am incredibly grateful they heard I was returning and asked me to come back, but also its scary how easy it is to fit back in to the exact same life I had!

This is not the plan, not that I ever have a plan but this isn’t how I want life to go. I wanted change, I wanted to start a new life not jump back into the old one as soon as things get sticky. I know I need money urgently and whilst I’m doing nothing else it makes sense to do what is offered, and I am grateful, but I’m also scared I will lose my drive in the familiar monotony.

Already I have been online ordering stuff…stuff I don’t need, materialistic possessions! Its like as soon as I got back I feel the need to own things again, this isn’t who I have become and I think its going to take some very special efforts not to fall back to being my old self. I will not allow the last 7 months to be in vain. Every lesson I had to learn, all the heartaches and failures as well as the adventures and realizations, I faced a lot of situations and conquered them, I grew, I evolved and now…what am I doing??

I really need to get a plan and make some serious effort to remember my path. I am above monotony and settling, I don’t want contentment and security, I choose life and adventure, experience and growth! So I have forced myself to get away from the dreaded TV, get into my space, write a blog, do my first proper workout in just over a week and actively make effort to be the new Kirst.

My aim over the next week is to make my big decision as to the possible yoga course I would like to do, to book my trip to the course in Ireland I am doing and to make plans for after this. They may change but I need a basic idea, a get out free card from the prison that is regular life. I am not ready to settle just yet, Its not time for me to be here for long. I will also ensure to be back on track with my workouts, today’s was awful, get my diet completely in check and to get back to my blog as well as ensuring I make plans to actually do things whilst home, make sure I have some adventures even here, just because I am home for a time, doesn’t mean the adventuring has to stop!

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I shall endevoour to make the most of Cornwall, my loved ones and having a home, a real place I can relax, at the same time makin sure I will be leaving it again soon.

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Filed under adventure, culture, experience, home, life, travel, travelling

Homeward bound, And I thought the leaving was the hard part….This is terrifying!

7 months ago I gave up my old life, I got rid of, gave away and left behind pretty much everything and everyone I’d ever known. I was setting out on a new path with the man I loved, we were going to have this big brilliant exciting future in the Philippines and then maybe travel and eventually come home successful, happy and ready for our happily ever after…

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I was scared but I was so excited, I felt like life was really turning around and we were finally getting to start our life together, after waiting for my fella who was in Afghan for 2 years to come home. Letting go was hard, I cried a lot, I wondered if I was making the right move and I thought I was doing the scariest thing I’d ever have to do…But I had my man and together we would make it work… I had made the right decision, we had made the right decision…First fail

Turns out we were wrong…oh so very wrong!

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Now, 7 months later, 4 of which were spent enduring life in an awful part of the Philippines, dealing with corruption, and disappointments business wise, having only each other pretty much for company, only each other to vent to and take it all out on, it was hot, we were teasy and it was difficult! There were no places of quiet, nowhere to go and find calm, nowhere to g and trek, explore we were trapped and it wasn’t fun!…Making a life and work fail

Following a trip away where we realise we are much happier away fro that place and did indeed have a relationship worth fighting for, we decided drastic action was needed. So I arranged to go to Australia and the fella was due to meet me there after his trip to India…

hh

yeh that didn’t work.
Time apart for him and his realizations in India made him decide to embark upon some journey of self discovery, minus the emotional baggage AKA me…so relationship fail (for now)

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I was devastated but we stayed talking and decided although were not together, there’s a good chance we could be again one day and, bear in mind I am simplifying things, I was able to accept this. I wont go into it but the guy does have things he needs to sort and in retrospect me being in his face wouldn’t help those issues…anyway so I set out to get a grip and do this travel thing everyone does.

Problem was, travel was something we’d planned together, everywhere I went I felt his missing presence as a physical thing, it felt like I was carrying around all this wistful sadness. I tried, I went through the motions, I made a few friends on my travels, I did 2 months in Australia and a month in Newzealand…I explored, I spent a lot of time and energies working on ‘me’…yet, I still don’t feel like I have managed to get a grip…I mean yesterday I cried as soon as I awoke, I barely sleep and I still feel like i’m not quite here, I have been here and there but a part of me has been elsewhere…I am clearly not getting a grip just yet..another fail

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So now it’s time to go home, I’m terrified. Going home means facing everything, out here I have been able to distance myself from reminders, from the things I’ve given up and lost, I have concentrated on being a new person, a better person but suddenly I feel like I haven’t changed at all. Being faced with the reality of life, my old life, people, places, the monotony of the life I left behind really makes me wonder, what did I do? Where did it all go wrong? I was so happy, so sure and so ready to make this wonderful step…How did it fall apart?

I thought leaving was the scary part, then I thought the separation was, then I thought the dealing with stuff out there by myself would be but it turns out the worst bit of it all is the returning home.

Don’t get me wrong I’m excited to see my loved ones and to spend time catching up with them but personally I feel like I’ll be facing each and every one of them embarrassed and slightly ashamed that not only could I not make it work, but that I was so smug before I left. So sure I had it all sorted.

Oh how the fates love to humble us!

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Filed under adventure, Australia, battle, change, discoveries, fails, failure, home, travel