Category Archives: wonderings

Everyone needs a holiday, if only to get a little perspective on this thing we call life!

OK so my last post was quite some time ago, as you will see, my dears, I have been stuck I this crazy train of a life for a while and have been unable to gather thoughts of any sense.  I have been but a shadow of my self and am only now getting down to deciding who that shadow is again!
So August was my last entry, I was attempting to ‘win’ at this Philippine life, keep my head above water and, well, I lost!

After months, there was still no working visa, and no work even if it were to finally appear, The humidity and heat were making my boyfriend and I agitated, annoyed (ad annoying) and money issues were stressing the situation further, you can imagine we, naturally started adding relationship issues to the negativity that was our life!
We hadn’t managed to find places to go for peace, fun, interest…nothing! We were stuck, just the two of us and this big negative wedge!

In September we had a holiday to Vegas and upon leaving the Philippines, the feeling of a weight being lifted was immense! I immediately felt lighter, happier, and more like myself. As did the fella seemingly. We enjoyed our time and the whole thing really brought home how we can’t continue in this ‘life’ we had made. We agreed it was time to move on, brilliant!

That being said, we had slightly different paths, he wanted specific plans, I couldn’t afford, I wanted to go via the helpx route and we compromised, decided we were worth a shot at being together away from this place that had become a nightmare.

So I came to Australia, he to India and he was due to meet me here…Although time apart also gave us perspective on us. Although we care and had happy times ad could(and I believe will again one day) have more, we both needed to do some soul searching.
Sort out these issues we developed I ourselves but also with each other, we had bred the negativity so long the resentment and difficulties were too hard to ignore.

So sadly we have reduced our relationship. There is no label now but being free of that is good. This time should bring us back to being good people, versions of ourselves we like and are happy to be whilst getting to know each other again…new and improved versions and the who knows….

Maybe we will have experiences which will give us distance ad perspective enough to remember why we fell for each other and push us back together, I’d like to think so but, who knows, until we get that perspective from where we are now….
For now there has been a lot of change and revelations and just getting to grips with those is enough to be getting on with.

Time for some self discovery, I am after all doing this amazing thing called travel and doing it alone is both terrifying and exciting. One thing I know for sure is that I shall never be the same woman again!

So take that holiday, get that trip away booked, and take a moment to assess your life! Its so easy to get bogged down and trapped but you will ever be able to be truly happy unless you have been able to get a clear view….a bit of perspective and decide if your really living the life you want to.   Don’t live in the shadows, be sure to have life in your years, colour in your dreams and character to your person!

10354230_10204963200390691_8334024943787278913_n

Leave a comment

Filed under adventure, Australia, battle, change, discoveries, holiday, life, moments, philippines, relationship, Self discovery, Uncategorized, wonderings

Do I even have an IQ?, Its moments like these I wonder how I’ve managed to keep myself alive all these years!

Typical Kirst moment driving home from work with the fella the other day.
Were sitting in the car, there’s traffic, I’m gazing around in my own little Kirst world and we come to a stop behind a car which has a sign on the back.

Now here, I decide to exclaim: Oh look that car says to wed, I wonder if its a wedding car, doesn’t look like one, there’s no decoration and its dirty…

At which point my boyfriend tells me its TOWED the car is being towed.

Oooooohhh! Ha ha ha, and I laughed and laughed all the way home!
I have a surprisingly high amount of these ‘golden’ moments 🙂

IQ-Test-1

Leave a comment

Filed under adventure, funny, hilarious, laughter, life, moments, silly, wonderings

So this Racism thing….It seems its not all about aggression and discrimination…Or is it??

Firstly, before I go any further, let me just state that its not a topicI truly understand, as in what is and what isn’t, and my political correctness often leaves alot to be desired BUT it doesn’t mean I am racist, although I have been accused by friends, all be it in a jokey manner.

Basically I am the sort of person who likes to joke with people, laugh and we take the mickey out of each other, whether its for being short (Ruth) Blonde (Mary), Ginger (Hayley), even fat…yes thats right with my close friends we can literally joke about anything…my problem is that i find it hard not to completely be myself…therefore when talking to or about people I dont know it can often come across inapropriate.   My argument though is this:

Firstly my jokes are not race specific, I might for instance make the assumption and joke about most Chinese people being short, but I also do it with Blondes being dippy or redheads being fiery….I am not seriously judging people, I am simply using their appearance in jest and to their faces and alot of the people i do it to have been fine with this, in fact they join in and we become firm friends…My confusion startes when otheer people start to tell me i cant say this or can’t do that.

Surely if both myself and the people I am talking to are OK then its OK?  No?  My other point is that if I stop jesting with these people on the basis that it MIGHT be deemed racist, then I am treating them differently because of their difference, I am excluding them and therefore being inadvertantly racist??

ANYWAY…

 images

This is a musing brought on by my current situation!

I live in the Philippines.  The people are generally happy, smiley, polite people.  They reply if I ask a question and will help me as much as possible if I ask for help, go out of their way even.   They are lovely peope but thee situation is strange.  Where we live is far from the touristy areas, there are very few white people here and the only 2 Ii have seen since arriving are 50+ white males with younger local women (no judgement, whatever works for them) so basically being a young white woman makes me something of a celebrity!

This can be nice, I often get told I am pretty/cute/sexy in the street or shops, every man I pass  calls out ‘hello maam’ and even the water guy who brings fresh water every week finally worked up the courage to ask if he can have a photo with me this week.  As I said this can be nice.

But nice is what it is and nice isn’t what real friendships are based on, if we are to make friends we must make the scales balance, we must be equal and start to make a relationship more personal.  This is where the problem begins, the locals are relucatant to progress further in conversation often just emitting a nervous giggle if I try to strike up conversation, they sometimes seem to actively avoid making eye contact in my street and if we do lock eyes and I smile (probably my scary, desperate smile) they flash a quick polite smile and back away slowly.

Now these people aren’t being spiteful or hurtful, they aren’t thinking less of me because I am white, quite the opposite in fact….Yet i still feel excluded, I feel alone in a city where I can pass hundreds of people on any given day, There is not a single time of day I am in total quiet, I can ALWAYS hear people, neighbours, strangers talking, laughing, conversing but I am unable to be a part of this.  Its as if I am watching from afar, some sort of strange big brother where I am able to observe but not partake.

I try, I do my damnest to make eye contact and be open and friendly when the neighbours go by but to no avail, I seem to be on the ‘guest’ list and i’m beginning to expect Iwill never be an actual member.

Is this treatment just people or would you call it racism?  I dont feel targeted maliciously, is that what makes racism racism?  But i am treated different and it is very much because of my origin…does THIS make it racism?

Am i still completely mixed up and lost on the topic??

This is just general wondering by the way, iI am not unhappy here, I am comfortable in my own company  and therefore I am fine with the arrangement, although I wont lie, a friend or two would be nice but still, I am not looking for sympathy or ideas how to make friends even, just some musings it has caused me to have and wonderings…

5 Comments

Filed under adventure, life, racism, racist, wonderings