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People…How well do we really know those closest to us?

I’m currently sitting on a coach on a 14 hour journey. I have been watching some TV series I downloaded with these friends, they are going through some intense stuff together and apart, from the viewers vantage point I can see who’s lying to who and for what reasons. I know Its not real, but it gets me to thinking how well do we really know those closest to us, how well do we know their intentions? How much do we taint, in our heads, to make situations more to our advantage? do we ignore signs to the truth? Do we lie to each other to protect them or ourselves? Or do we lie out of fear, or an inability to accept the truth? Are we all as lost as each other, and instead of being truthful and honest we are only keeping each other in the dark? Are any of us truly honest, with others or with ourselves?

Of course TV accentuates situations and people but when I look around me, really think about the people in my life, experiences in the past when things are revealed and I can’t help but wonder.

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There are people in my life whom I wonder about sometimes. All sorts of people, and I wonder what I mean to them, how much is real and how much is tolerance, how much is people keeping up appearances because its just how society tells us to behave… But I also wonder about my reactions to people, my tolerances. How many people do I truly relate to and want to know and how many do I just allow to stay in my life, never really caring enough to put much into the connection but feeling its rude to just cut them out, or maybe I don’t want to hurt people, or maybe its just that there’s no reason not to have them around so they stay.

Surely with life being a thing so short on time and precious, we should at least value it enough not to want to waste that time and energy, ours or anyone else’s. Should we not be more selective about how we spend our time and energies? What connections are worth nurturing and which have no future. Should we not spend time knowing ourselves and ensuring we are honest and true to our feelings and expectations towards people, in turn making it easier for them to understand and read where they stand as well?

The time I have spent trying to analyse what I mean to people, if anything. Are they worth the energies, or are they a waste of my time. I remember times in my own life when I have pushed away good people and lost great connections through confusion or immaturity and there are times I should have been more honest and ruthless with people, cruel to be kind and all that.

Why is it such a confusing matter, its one of life’s great woes. People, relationships, friendships. How do we get it right? We are all chasing the dream of having those perfect relationships, the partner with whom to spend our life, the friendships to endure lifetimes even the dynamics of work relationships are difficult to navigate, its like everybody’s playing some big game if poker, keeping their cards close to their chests, a lot of the time were not even sure if we have a winning hand ourselves yet so we bluff and bet our way through. But there are very few winners in poker.

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Surely there is an easier way? After thousands of years of evolution, I can’t help but think it so backwards that we are not more apt at connecting. Are we teaching our children the same poker tricks and faces and preventing evolution in this or is the lack of real connection evolution in itself? Is the future a place where its every man for himself, where people are as dispensable as a car, a home or a job. Will there be an end to truly deep connections?
This sounds like a very sad future indeed.

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Filed under emotions, friendss, games, people, relationships

Homeward bound, And I thought the leaving was the hard part….This is terrifying!

7 months ago I gave up my old life, I got rid of, gave away and left behind pretty much everything and everyone I’d ever known. I was setting out on a new path with the man I loved, we were going to have this big brilliant exciting future in the Philippines and then maybe travel and eventually come home successful, happy and ready for our happily ever after…

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I was scared but I was so excited, I felt like life was really turning around and we were finally getting to start our life together, after waiting for my fella who was in Afghan for 2 years to come home. Letting go was hard, I cried a lot, I wondered if I was making the right move and I thought I was doing the scariest thing I’d ever have to do…But I had my man and together we would make it work… I had made the right decision, we had made the right decision…First fail

Turns out we were wrong…oh so very wrong!

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Now, 7 months later, 4 of which were spent enduring life in an awful part of the Philippines, dealing with corruption, and disappointments business wise, having only each other pretty much for company, only each other to vent to and take it all out on, it was hot, we were teasy and it was difficult! There were no places of quiet, nowhere to go and find calm, nowhere to g and trek, explore we were trapped and it wasn’t fun!…Making a life and work fail

Following a trip away where we realise we are much happier away fro that place and did indeed have a relationship worth fighting for, we decided drastic action was needed. So I arranged to go to Australia and the fella was due to meet me there after his trip to India…

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yeh that didn’t work.
Time apart for him and his realizations in India made him decide to embark upon some journey of self discovery, minus the emotional baggage AKA me…so relationship fail (for now)

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I was devastated but we stayed talking and decided although were not together, there’s a good chance we could be again one day and, bear in mind I am simplifying things, I was able to accept this. I wont go into it but the guy does have things he needs to sort and in retrospect me being in his face wouldn’t help those issues…anyway so I set out to get a grip and do this travel thing everyone does.

Problem was, travel was something we’d planned together, everywhere I went I felt his missing presence as a physical thing, it felt like I was carrying around all this wistful sadness. I tried, I went through the motions, I made a few friends on my travels, I did 2 months in Australia and a month in Newzealand…I explored, I spent a lot of time and energies working on ‘me’…yet, I still don’t feel like I have managed to get a grip…I mean yesterday I cried as soon as I awoke, I barely sleep and I still feel like i’m not quite here, I have been here and there but a part of me has been elsewhere…I am clearly not getting a grip just yet..another fail

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So now it’s time to go home, I’m terrified. Going home means facing everything, out here I have been able to distance myself from reminders, from the things I’ve given up and lost, I have concentrated on being a new person, a better person but suddenly I feel like I haven’t changed at all. Being faced with the reality of life, my old life, people, places, the monotony of the life I left behind really makes me wonder, what did I do? Where did it all go wrong? I was so happy, so sure and so ready to make this wonderful step…How did it fall apart?

I thought leaving was the scary part, then I thought the separation was, then I thought the dealing with stuff out there by myself would be but it turns out the worst bit of it all is the returning home.

Don’t get me wrong I’m excited to see my loved ones and to spend time catching up with them but personally I feel like I’ll be facing each and every one of them embarrassed and slightly ashamed that not only could I not make it work, but that I was so smug before I left. So sure I had it all sorted.

Oh how the fates love to humble us!

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Filed under adventure, Australia, battle, change, discoveries, fails, failure, home, travel

Everyone needs a holiday, if only to get a little perspective on this thing we call life!

OK so my last post was quite some time ago, as you will see, my dears, I have been stuck I this crazy train of a life for a while and have been unable to gather thoughts of any sense.  I have been but a shadow of my self and am only now getting down to deciding who that shadow is again!
So August was my last entry, I was attempting to ‘win’ at this Philippine life, keep my head above water and, well, I lost!

After months, there was still no working visa, and no work even if it were to finally appear, The humidity and heat were making my boyfriend and I agitated, annoyed (ad annoying) and money issues were stressing the situation further, you can imagine we, naturally started adding relationship issues to the negativity that was our life!
We hadn’t managed to find places to go for peace, fun, interest…nothing! We were stuck, just the two of us and this big negative wedge!

In September we had a holiday to Vegas and upon leaving the Philippines, the feeling of a weight being lifted was immense! I immediately felt lighter, happier, and more like myself. As did the fella seemingly. We enjoyed our time and the whole thing really brought home how we can’t continue in this ‘life’ we had made. We agreed it was time to move on, brilliant!

That being said, we had slightly different paths, he wanted specific plans, I couldn’t afford, I wanted to go via the helpx route and we compromised, decided we were worth a shot at being together away from this place that had become a nightmare.

So I came to Australia, he to India and he was due to meet me here…Although time apart also gave us perspective on us. Although we care and had happy times ad could(and I believe will again one day) have more, we both needed to do some soul searching.
Sort out these issues we developed I ourselves but also with each other, we had bred the negativity so long the resentment and difficulties were too hard to ignore.

So sadly we have reduced our relationship. There is no label now but being free of that is good. This time should bring us back to being good people, versions of ourselves we like and are happy to be whilst getting to know each other again…new and improved versions and the who knows….

Maybe we will have experiences which will give us distance ad perspective enough to remember why we fell for each other and push us back together, I’d like to think so but, who knows, until we get that perspective from where we are now….
For now there has been a lot of change and revelations and just getting to grips with those is enough to be getting on with.

Time for some self discovery, I am after all doing this amazing thing called travel and doing it alone is both terrifying and exciting. One thing I know for sure is that I shall never be the same woman again!

So take that holiday, get that trip away booked, and take a moment to assess your life! Its so easy to get bogged down and trapped but you will ever be able to be truly happy unless you have been able to get a clear view….a bit of perspective and decide if your really living the life you want to.   Don’t live in the shadows, be sure to have life in your years, colour in your dreams and character to your person!

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Filed under adventure, Australia, battle, change, discoveries, holiday, life, moments, philippines, relationship, Self discovery, Uncategorized, wonderings