Homeward bound, And I thought the leaving was the hard part….This is terrifying!

7 months ago I gave up my old life, I got rid of, gave away and left behind pretty much everything and everyone I’d ever known. I was setting out on a new path with the man I loved, we were going to have this big brilliant exciting future in the Philippines and then maybe travel and eventually come home successful, happy and ready for our happily ever after…

I was scared but I was so excited, I felt like life was really turning around and we were finally getting to start our life together, after waiting for my fella who was in Afghan for 2 years to come home. Letting go was hard, I cried a lot, I wondered if I was making the right move and I thought I was doing the scariest thing I’d ever have to do…But I had my man and together we would make it work… I had made the right decision, we had made the right decision…First fail

Turns out we were wrong…oh so very wrong!

Now, 7 months later, 4 of which were spent enduring life in an awful part of the Philippines, dealing with corruption, and disappointments business wise, having only each other pretty much for company, only each other to vent to and take it all out on, it was hot, we were teasy and it was difficult! There were no places of quiet, nowhere to go and find calm, nowhere to g and trek, explore we were trapped and it wasn’t fun!…Making a life and work fail

Following a trip away where we realise we are much happier away fro that place and did indeed have a relationship worth fighting for, we decided drastic action was needed. So I arranged to go to Australia and the fella was due to meet me there after his trip to India…

yeh that didn’t work.
Time apart for him and his realizations in India made him decide to embark upon some journey of self discovery, minus the emotional baggage AKA me…so relationship fail (for now)

I was devastated but we stayed talking and decided although were not together, there’s a good chance we could be again one day and, bear in mind I am simplifying things, I was able to accept this. I wont go into it but the guy does have things he needs to sort and in retrospect me being in his face wouldn’t help those issues…anyway so I set out to get a grip and do this travel thing everyone does.

Problem was, travel was something we’d planned together, everywhere I went I felt his missing presence as a physical thing, it felt like I was carrying around all this wistful sadness. I tried, I went through the motions, I made a few friends on my travels, I did 2 months in Australia and a month in Newzealand…I explored, I spent a lot of time and energies working on ‘me’…yet, I still don’t feel like I have managed to get a grip…I mean yesterday I cried as soon as I awoke, I barely sleep and I still feel like i’m not quite here, I have been here and there but a part of me has been elsewhere…I am clearly not getting a grip just yet..another fail

So now it’s time to go home, I’m terrified. Going home means facing everything, out here I have been able to distance myself from reminders, from the things I’ve given up and lost, I have concentrated on being a new person, a better person but suddenly I feel like I haven’t changed at all. Being faced with the reality of life, my old life, people, places, the monotony of the life I left behind really makes me wonder, what did I do? Where did it all go wrong? I was so happy, so sure and so ready to make this wonderful step…How did it fall apart?

I thought leaving was the scary part, then I thought the separation was, then I thought the dealing with stuff out there by myself would be but it turns out the worst bit of it all is the returning home.

Don’t get me wrong I’m excited to see my loved ones and to spend time catching up with them but personally I feel like I’ll be facing each and every one of them embarrassed and slightly ashamed that not only could I not make it work, but that I was so smug before I left. So sure I had it all sorted.

Oh how the fates love to humble us!

My mind closing dance with the naturist!

Right to start off, remember I’m British and although I like to think of myself as liberal, open minded and not easily offended, I do still seemingly carry around a slightly naive and innocent view when it comes to such things as nudity!

Before heading out to Aio Wira, A retreat in the wilderness in Auckland, Newzealand, I knew there would be a very relaxed, hippy vibe to the place. I was there to work and expected the usual array of friendly faces, coming together to get the work done, pleasant social exchanges of an evening and I was even vaguely aware that there will most likely be the option to try being nuddy in public for the very first time!

Although I hadn’t thought much about this either way, I figured I was mature enough and chilled enough to either join in, or ignore the nakedness if I wasn’t feeling it myself, I intended to go with the flow, see how I felt and be liberated god-damn!

What happened though was altogether un-liberating and has closed my mind to such things! I know this is probably just a bad example, a bad experience and I shouldn’t let it taint my future ideas towards this increasingly popular…Um…Exhibition of ones self! Anyway on my first day here a fellow German helper kindly asked if I would like to go for a walk to the river. Innocent enough right? Nice stroll with the father age, friendly German man. I should go, be polite and partake in the walking!

Well upon arriving at a certain point at the river, he asked if I would like to swim, It was cold and I didn’t but politely said I’d wait here for him on the bank, so I sat, watching the water, all at ease. Even took off my jumper to catch the few rays of sun starting to show through the clouds and then…
Something changed…The atmosphere felt a little strained, and I heard” oh you have a nice body, I can tell you workout” so I’m like OK, its a compliment. Take it, its just a compliment. It sounds a little pervy but maybe its just his accent. So I turn around to thank him and BAM…Penis right there! He’s standing, I’m sitting…Well it brought a whole new meaning to the words ‘in your face’!

I was a little surprised but quickly dismissed it, keeping my cool I turned back around and averted y gaze. Oh boy did I avert my gaze! I have to say it was the least attractive member I have ever seen, but then in fairness I have only ever looked upon them in a sexy frame of mind before, this penis viewing in broad daylight and in a non sexual manner(for me) was very strange! And then.. He doesn’t even swim, oh no he goes in and then walks about in the shallows flopping it around all over the place whilst trying to make conversation so I’d have to look…Well I never!

This episode was followed up with a couple of days of excessive compliments in a manner which I could only take as slightly pervy. Still I thought, I am probably being prude, I should give him chance to just be a nice man…non naked! We shall stay away from the river! The next day as I worked out he came in asking if he could join in…Um…well, OK! And then proceeded to make what I can only assume is his sex face at me whilst making appreciative noises and telling me “this is goooood yvar?” Um, no! This was not good for me!

And THEN, still trying not to judge and be nice, I went to walk to the car with him. He’d asked if id go with hi to collect it, its a nice walk he said! What he didn’t say was that it was past the river, and oh yes you’ve guessed it, there he goes again. Birthday suit, waving it all about, by god I thought, I’ve been tricked!! Well not again!

Until today that is, I thought we would be safe seen as it was myself, said helper and another helper Markos who was more along my lines of modesty and we were all going out to a rather public lake and waterfalls. After reaching the top pool of the waterfalls, there was a lovely young couple enjoying some togetherness at the top of the falls, Markos and myself climbed up to explore and I hear “oh! What the, oh no…lets go” and I know what’s happening, I turn just in time to see our lovely nudist emerging from behind the bushes smack bang in front of this couple. I swear its an obsession for this guy, I mean does being nudist mean you HAVE to be nude at every opportunity, even in non nudist places??

Does it mean you continually do it around people who are clearly not comfortable with it?
So all nudists constantly compliment each other all the time?? The amount of comments about my body and how I should swim or do the yoga in my bikini, I am just left feeling naked even with all my clothes on! It is by far the most uncomfortable I have been in as far as I can remember.

Is there not some sort of etiquette for such things and being too ‘in your face’? Like a religion, I kind of feel its one of those things, each to their own but exactly that…Your own, or people of the same inclination…Its just good manners not to force people to bear witness, surely?

And the worst bit of all??? This is the last penis I saw, and the last one I will be seeing in quite a while, I can’t erase the image and I wont even get to replace it with a nice one, one I wanted to see, one I felt good about! Its all tainted now! Ha ha ha. I am scared for ever…Or until I WILLINGLY come into contact with more male anatomy to wipe the memories!

Now I’m aware this is probably a bad experience with someone whom I obviously don’t connect well with, but It leaves me wondering if I am not too prude for such things after all? Am I too reserved to be the free, fun-loving hippy I envision myself to be?

I am left more confused than ever with regards to my feeling on naturalists and participation or witnessing!

The whole thing was certainly an eye opener and a mind closer for me!

5 Regrets From People On Their Deathbeds, Revealed By A Nurse

I had to share this, Its so true.  Too many of us go through life living as expected, by means we see as socially acceptable, performing rituals passed on through family, teachers, peers… but really the only person who has to live with your life is you.  You are the only person you need to answer to on your deathbed!   You must let go of these guidelines for life we feel we must abide by to be seen as a success and do the things that will fill our lives with positivity, experience and powerful emotions.   THIS is the true sucess of life, to live, love, laugh, do the things that add life to our years and memoories for our old age 😉

 

Whatever floats your boat, do it whilst your still seaworthy!

 

Your Alternative News Network. Broadcasting The Truth Since “2011” Alternative Health, Alternative News, Conspiracy, GMO, Fluoride

via 5 Regrets From People On Their Deathbeds, Revealed By A Nurse.

My Autralian Journey!

So i was thinking about how to blog bout my journey in Australia and…well…theres just so much!  So many words, youd be sat here all day reading so i decided a story in pictures would work best, You have everything from beheadings to beaches, enjoy:

Lose everything…Find yourself!

Finding yourself…I process often starting with the losing of everything else.

Ever tried to make some journey of self discovery whilst your content in your home surrounded by good people with a good job, money in the bank?? No??? Well me neither.
I’m not even sure its possible, after all why would you even consider your not just a perfect reflection of your perfect little life?

I’m sure some people are content, settle, find enough things to keep them oblivious to the other versions of themselves, the strengths and character traits left undiscovered, but I am not one of them.

There have been several times in my life when things have just seemingly fallen apart, I hopped on a downwards spiral and in retrospect, it needn’t have happened. None of these times were out of my control…I subconsciously made decisions leading to these tough times, why??

Well I am currently working through one such time and it has just hit me. I am not a settler. I enjoy being happy, I am optimistic, I appreciate what I have when I have something good but I am also a dreamer…I want life, and lots of it. I want to experience and to feel and to grow as much as possible and that’s just not possible when your content!

Don’t get me wrong I don’t sabotage perfectly good aspects of my life, only the dead weight aspects, the jobs I don’t like anyway but they provide SECURITY, the relationships in which I don’t prosper but they provide COMPANIONSHIP, the materialistic gains I convince myself i need to provide COMFORT and ACCOMPLISHMENT..These things are difficult to let go of, they are programmed into us as ants and needs from a very young age and we fight to hold on to them…

But…

if you manage to let go, if you manage to free yourself from these preconditioned wants and needs you may well find yourself on a journey of self discovery, a journey bestowing much more than security, but freedom and strength,
More than companionship but the confidence to be alone in your own skin, and also the experience of and power to converse with, connect with and essentially bond with a multitude of people, to really know them, to open yourself up and find people with whom you bond on a deep and meaningful level.
More than Comfort, but growth and expansion of you, mentally, physically and emotionally
and lastly more than accomplishment, you aquire, memories, experiences, new skills and a new mindset which creates more dreams, a brighter future and the knowledge that anything is possible, you have done this, you have come this far, nothing is out of reach…

Of course you just have to give up almost everything you hold dear, make that leap of faith and go for it. Fortunately for me, my subconscious ensures I do this, I only have to make the journey, not the decision to do so. But for many they are more inclined to listen to reason, stick to what is ‘right’ and ‘safe’ and so miss out on opportunities which really are what life is all about.

I’m not saying everyone should give up thee things they love and run away to the other side of the world like I have, but maybe take some time to consider, really listen to that inner voice, open yourself up and feel, are you truly happy with the person you have become, do you have the potential to be more, do you feel life is passing you by? If this is you, then I am writing this for you.

This is scary, you will cry ALOT you will doubt yourself, you will doubt everything you once believed in, there will be hard days and there will be good days but its worth it because this is life, and this is what will make us the most interesting people in the OAP home! 😉

Everyone needs a holiday, if only to get a little perspective on this thing we call life!

OK so my last post was quite some time ago, as you will see, my dears, I have been stuck I this crazy train of a life for a while and have been unable to gather thoughts of any sense.  I have been but a shadow of my self and am only now getting down to deciding who that shadow is again!
So August was my last entry, I was attempting to ‘win’ at this Philippine life, keep my head above water and, well, I lost!

After months, there was still no working visa, and no work even if it were to finally appear, The humidity and heat were making my boyfriend and I agitated, annoyed (ad annoying) and money issues were stressing the situation further, you can imagine we, naturally started adding relationship issues to the negativity that was our life!
We hadn’t managed to find places to go for peace, fun, interest…nothing! We were stuck, just the two of us and this big negative wedge!

In September we had a holiday to Vegas and upon leaving the Philippines, the feeling of a weight being lifted was immense! I immediately felt lighter, happier, and more like myself. As did the fella seemingly. We enjoyed our time and the whole thing really brought home how we can’t continue in this ‘life’ we had made. We agreed it was time to move on, brilliant!

That being said, we had slightly different paths, he wanted specific plans, I couldn’t afford, I wanted to go via the helpx route and we compromised, decided we were worth a shot at being together away from this place that had become a nightmare.

So I came to Australia, he to India and he was due to meet me here…Although time apart also gave us perspective on us. Although we care and had happy times ad could(and I believe will again one day) have more, we both needed to do some soul searching.
Sort out these issues we developed I ourselves but also with each other, we had bred the negativity so long the resentment and difficulties were too hard to ignore.

So sadly we have reduced our relationship. There is no label now but being free of that is good. This time should bring us back to being good people, versions of ourselves we like and are happy to be whilst getting to know each other again…new and improved versions and the who knows….

Maybe we will have experiences which will give us distance ad perspective enough to remember why we fell for each other and push us back together, I’d like to think so but, who knows, until we get that perspective from where we are now….
For now there has been a lot of change and revelations and just getting to grips with those is enough to be getting on with.

Time for some self discovery, I am after all doing this amazing thing called travel and doing it alone is both terrifying and exciting. One thing I know for sure is that I shall never be the same woman again!

So take that holiday, get that trip away booked, and take a moment to assess your life! Its so easy to get bogged down and trapped but you will ever be able to be truly happy unless you have been able to get a clear view….a bit of perspective and decide if your really living the life you want to.   Don’t live in the shadows, be sure to have life in your years, colour in your dreams and character to your person!

My epiphany…Linking Deet to my allergic reaction!

Finally I think I have discovered my issue. You may remember my recent blog about my allergy seemingly to the Philippines. Well after a bout of steroids which were fantastic for my skin, although bad for my moods, (man was I an aggressive cow for the week?? I’ve never wanted to actually stab my fella before, poor guy only moved a fan I wasn’t using, etc… Ha ha) I felt great, BUT I stopped taking them and the rash returned.

Granted my face, so far, had been left out of it, which is nice, but my extremities are covered in a lovely red, itchy blotchy number and boy is it angry! I’ve sat about all day thinking what it could be:

If it were washing powder it would be my tummy and areas my clothes touch plus its the same powder I’ve used since childhood

If it were food, my face should be bad again or at least my tummy, I have IBS and usually it will flare up if I eat something I shouldn’t but no..in fact I’ve been nicely regular these last few weeks, I feel quite healthy in that dept

If it were heat rash, surely it would be relieved a little when I am in a cold shower and worsened in the sun but nope

Then it struck me..the only thing I put on my arms and legs, it was literally sitting on the table staring at me the whole time…DEET! I’ve been using it quite excessively for weeks due to the fact I am very tasty and insects LOVE to eat me. I dare say I’ve been accumulating large amounts of it in my system and I have been using the max strength version too!

Oh how silly I feel, going through all this!

Still I shall dispose of the deet and probably need more steroids to clear the rash..as I said its literally back with vengence (probably due to the massive amounts of deet used over the last 2 days whilst I was out in the wilderness) but where do I go from there?

Malaria and Dengue Fever are very real risks out here and with deet out of the equation what can I do? Are there alternative repellents available here that work just as well? Does anybody know of any?

I don’t fancy choosing between a parasitic disease or having to literally scratch the skin off my body!

After some serious-ness…I give you heaven on …um…Philippine soil!

 

They call it samala cake….I call it magic!

Having gone to work with the fella yesterday I spent the day chilling with the Philippino guys on the course and over te last 7 weeks of the course we’ve beome…um….friends(?)…Well they talk to me which, out here, is as close to friends as it comes.

They often offer me food which I usually decline, you know on the basis that its pigs eyes or something like and to be honest I’m just not ready for THAT level of culture.

Last week I had leftover baking which we needed to get out of the house, my partner and i are big into fitness, we have one cheat day a week buut my willpower sucks, if its in the house i will eat it packman stylee!   Anyway so I sent the leftovers and the guys loved it…fabulous right?

Yep apart from then, they insisted i try their cake…Ive tried some rice cake before and it was slimy ans stodgy and not nice tasting, in all honestly I was offended that they dared to label something of the like ‘cake’ it was very misleading and I wont lie i was a little outraged!

Let me just say I am  massive food fan, cake in particular is my speciality and it rages me when its just not as describes…I wont even go into the time I was served ‘cheeseake’ in La Palma.   There wasn’t even a buttery biscuit base!!  Hellions!

So yesterday these Philippino lovelies all but forced me to accept some cake, upon inspection it was squidgy, sticky, stodgy and it had cheese, yes CHEESE on top!  I nibbled the corner whilst they all watched all mmmmm yes OK..actually was that? is it? did I….Did I like that???  More nibbles…I think I did, I do!  What a treat, once you get used to the consistency its actually rather tasty and somehow refreshing!  WHAT?  Yeh you heard…a refreshing sticky cake with cheese on top.

Therefore if you ever come out to the Philippines, try some Samala cake, its very local and available at all sorts of vendors from street to those in the malls and supermarkets, there are a few varieties so dont stop at the first hurdle, persevere and I assure you its worth it when you find ‘the one’!